Sigh. I know I've made it no secret on this blog that I'm not really a baby/pregnancy/wedding, rah rah yay type of person :) Believe me, I wish I was. I despised basically every moment of wedding planning (remember the wedding meltdowns?) and I've basically dreaded being pregnant since I first realized that some day I probably would have to be (seriously, can someone please invent a way for men to do this? I'd be a great dad!).
Now that I'm at Week 26 (what?!) I can officially say there have been many surprises for me in this process. In some ways I have hated it more than I expected to, but in many others I have enjoyed it more than I expected. There are moments where I'm actually enjoying researching what car seat and baby carrier I want (but not the stroller, that brings back angry wedding planning Kelly), pinning nursery ideas and even the zen of prenatal yoga. I enjoy every moment that involves this little boy kicking all around and making himself known. The other day I discovered I can SEE him move and this brought about a whole new round of entertainment and giggling.
But sometimes I just get grumpy. I guess everyone does. This week, I am grumpy. It's a combination of problems most of which cannot be blamed on this baby. I've done all my parent conferences in the last week (finish today, wahoo!). I like meeting with parents, but it's exhausting especially because I am still expected to be teaching as normal throughout all of this. Then, I somehow ended up with a super over scheduled weekend, that was fun but not at all restful. Just for fun, let's combine this with daylight savings, which I enjoy in the morning but just makes the nights long, cold and dark. So dark. Also, am I getting sick or does this scratchy throat thing just like to return every few weeks to freak me out?
I was looking back at pictures from earlier this year (as I start to put together Christmas presents) and I was just getting sad looking at all the fun things I used to do. I visited breweries and wineries and ate yummy dinners that I really enjoyed (for some reason I really kind of hate eating out now…). I took a lot of pictures, and I had energy and I went on beautiful runs and bike rides. I know, I know, it's only 9 months… but really, my energy, freedom, workout ability is not going to return with a newborn, so it's not just 9 months. I have no idea what the future holds as far as what social events I'll be able to manage, what wineries I'll be tasting from, how many dinners out I'll really be enjoying. I know, I KNOW there is so much more to look forward to. I know that no mom in the world would care about a brewery over her baby (nor will I). I know that many would give up wine for the rest of their lives if it meant a healthy baby at 26 weeks. I know all these things… and yet. I am a super grump. I am tired. I want to sleep and read and suddenly like food again and have no one bug me for multiple days. Unless it's to bring me a grilled cheese. Even you, kindergartners who just CONSTANTLY need their shoes tied and coats zipped.
But alas… I'm approximately 14 weeks away from having a baby, which pretty much guarantees I will never have another day without someone bugging me again. Sigh.
And for my final rant… I just despise any and all pregnancy books. I haven't made it through a single one, which is unlike me because I am usually happy to read about basically anything. I can't stand the negativity (ironic- I know). Yes, I know I'm not going to sleep for the rest of my life, stop reminding me! Then I started trying to read what I thought would be an informative book on breastfeeding and I wanted to tear it up instead… all I learned was that the author is going to JUDGE JUDGE JUDGE everything I do. Go away, I'm returning you from the library and I'll figure it out when the baby comes. The end.
I promise my next post will be filled with so much cheer you will forget this grumpiness even happened. I promise.
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Dude I totally get it. And I highly recommend kellymom for breastfeeding info. Or email me. Or get my phone number and you can text me whenever. Because seriously. I did keep one breastfeeding book on hand to reference some stuff but it ended up being easier to look online while I was attempting to breastfeed. Kellymom has a TON of info. And yeah, somedays I want to come home and just be. Not be a mom to a 2 year old and THEN do other crap. Some times I want to come home and do nothing because the 4 year olds have done me in. It is so hard being a great teacher and a great mother. Someone is going to suffer and almost always it is me and my expectations. But my parenting philosophy is if they have food, shelter, clothes and a bed you're doing it. ;P Also, don't pay any attention to how anyone tells you how you/baby need to sleep. Except me of course. Do it however maximizes sleep for everyone and then you're doing it right. ;P
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ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine all that you must be feeling right now. I always thought it would be easier if pregnancy wasn't 9 months long simply so you don't have the anticipation that builds when waiting NINE FULL months for something to happen that is going to change everything. I'd almost just rather it was sprung on me BAM and I didn't have to think about it.. haha. Anyways, we are ALL here for you now and will be after this baby comes. I will be the best baby sitter in the world and I will make sure you have some free time to yourself!
I am sure this is totally normal and expected! Especially since you have a stressful and busy job on top of being pregnant! I was a super grump last week too and I don't even have the excuse of baking a baby :) Happens to the best of us! The mom wars are SO stupid - you will be a GREAT mom no matter what choices you make or how you choose to do things!
ReplyDeleteDude. There is a lot happening - it's okay for you to have a grumpy week or two! I vote curl up with a non-pregnancy book on one of these nights and just relax. Or watch TV, whatever is something you don't normally let yourself do for an extended period of time.
ReplyDeletePlus just think - when the baby is little he'll be the easiest to take places - heck yeah go to dinner, that kiddo's gonna sleep for a few hours anyway! (Um, I think. I don't really know how it all works - ha!) Hang in there!
I am going to say this is par for the course. Your life is changing dramatically and it is very normal to feel the way you do. But think about it like this, your priorities will change, but you will still be able to enjoy doing the things you love. 14 more weeks and a new and exciting chapter is going to start!
ReplyDeleteI'm a pretty even keeled kind of gal (usually), but I will tell you that parenthood makes the highs soaring high and the lows pretty unbearable. Sweets and I argue more than we ever had before (we're not usually the arguing types), but we have also loved harder than ever before. It's a crazy adventure and yes, life changing, but hopefully in really really good ways. (PS - I have read a total of ZERO parenting books and I like to think Gavin has turned out alright. Follow your instincts, they will lead you where you need to go.)
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ReplyDeleteThat first comment is right on - Kellymom is awesome and ignore people's opinions about sleeping. Amen.
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty and that you're letting yourself be vulnerable enough to say, "I MISS DOING FUN STUFF AND WHAT IF I NEVER CAN AGAIIIIIN??"
I totally get it. I missed lying on my back, on my stomach, not being in pain, being able to actually hug Mike, etc etc. After he was born, it was harder and easier than I thought. Life did go on (after the initial few weeks where you panic that you are doing everything wrong and your baby might die) and we were going out to bars (well, bars that ALSO serve awesome grilled cheese) and soccer games and hiking. But I'm a "get me out of the house!" kind of person. We were at Target and Starbucks when he was four days old. ;)
Running didn't come for about 8 months (nursing boobs. Wasn't used to having to deal with actual boobs and running. Ha.), but then I ran 2 half marathons after he turned one.
My life is way better now, different, but better. Sleep stuff is hard. Juggling child care is hard. But the good stuff? Is so good. My life is brighter and fuller because I am Gabe's mom.
I know that you don't want people to say, "It's awesome!" when you're just grumpy, but I want you to know that it's worth it. You haven't made a huge mistake. :)
We all need a little rant here and there! I would do one on Charlotte but fear the backlash of all the Charlotte lovers would be too much to handle because GOD FORBID IF I DON'T LOVE CHARLOTTE.
ReplyDeleteBut back to you and the situation at hand... I think I would feel very similar to how you feel. Sometimes you just have crappy weeks and are overtired and the littlest things set you off. But this week you are overtime/overscheduled and your body has been taken over by a little baby who wreaks havoc on how you feel, what you can do, what you will do. I think it's better to acknowledge those feelings than shove them under the carpet because they will eventually resurface. I know this because mine totally resurfaced in the car on the way to target today where I literally screamed "i hate this city" at the top of my lungs. Ha.
Hang in there! I hope the weekend ahead is more restful. And Christmas break is just around the corner so hopefully that is restful for you as well! You will get your fabulous life back, this i know. Probably not as soon as you would like, but you will... well, as much as you can get your old pre-kid life back. But you will still visit wineries and breweries and do day trips and weekend trips and such.. I have a feeling you'll have multiple people offering to babysit!
My conferences are in two weeks. Parents started scheduling them online today... I am nervous!! Also, next week we have Iowa Assessments. Basically 4 days of standardized tests. November is making me grumpy!!!
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